Wednesday, 13 March 2013


It has been bitterly cold as of late; unbearably so for this time of year. The thought of coming home from work and braving the frosty air with the dog makes my heart sink. Luckily, it's the ideal climate for Huskies - Skye is in her element. Literally.

Work is busy, busy, busy. We have far too much to achieve with so few experienced staff members and the hunt has been on to find some new ones. Whether it is testament to my character or, as I prefer to think, Sod's law; I've managed to lose three of the newbies in just over a week. I was under the impression that jobs were few and far between due to the current economic crisis but it appears that people still have the luxury of being able to be picky. Go figure. Maybe it's a true reflection of the current unemployment problem - I'm willing to put money on it.

Dad has finally decided to place the family home on the market. He informed me this evening via text message - sensitivity has never been his forte. I've always known the day would come. Ever since mum died and he met his new partner Shirley, I've known that one day they would want to settle down together, to live out their old age together. I'm happy for him, truly I am as I would never want my father to grow old alone - especially after all he has been through but I can't help the niggling sadness in my heart, knowing that this is the end of yet another era. The house I grew up in that holds so many memories; all of my memories. The house that has seen us at both our highest and our lowest. The house that has shared 21 of my birthdays and 22 of my Christmases. It really is true what they say, if only walls could talk. That house is the only place on this earth that I still feel my mother's presence and though I know that moving on is long overdue, it makes me feel sick to my stomach to think that it will be sold to someone else, someone who knows nothing of those times or even cares. Of course I'll just suck it up, let him know how happy I am for him (not that it would be a lie) and try to forget about it.

For such an outwardly emotionless person, there is something about finality that really affects me. The thought that everything finally comes to an end whether it be life, work or merely our everyday experiences saddens me. It takes my breath away to think about and chokes me up so much that, on certain days, you may even see the appearance of a tear. I have to remind myself constantly that no matter how much it depresses me and weighs on my heart, this is merely a way in which beauty forces it's way through to the world and reminds us that it exists. To love is to feel and to feel is to love and if you are lucky enough to recognise this, then beauty is doing it's job.

For so long now, I have lived in the shadow of my childhood - each time I visit my father, I am transported straight back to my 16 year old self. It is a weight around my neck, knowing that I have found it impossible to move on but strangely, I find it comforting. Those weekends at home in my familiar surroundings comforts me, despite the negative energy that radiates from that place. People have described me in many ways over the years; emotionless, unfazed, tough. I'm none of those things. I am conditioned - so used to abnormal occurrences, situations that many are lucky enough to never have to experience, that I find it normal to find myself in unsettling circumstances.

For both myself and my dear father, that chapter must end and maybe this is the universe's way of recognising this. As with all of life's challenges, I'll grab my surfboard and ride the wave. You never know, I may end up washed up on some tropical island somewhere?

That would be no hardship.

Not at all.

Saturday, 9 March 2013


It is only fitting that a week as stressful as this one has ended in a crescendo of drizzle and gloom. For many this would probably only aid in further dampening the mood but I, for one, am a lover of rain. The refreshing pitter patter of raindrops against windows, washing away the week's problems is the perfect source of calm.

The doors are locked, the lamps are on and we do not intend to move out of the comforting warmth for the duration of the day. Happy Saturday one and all.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013


I have been so stressed and anxious lately. It's an accumulation of things - silly things really but they must be of some substance in order to get to me so much.

The in-laws have been extremely trying. I've always gotten along fine with Adam's mum, step dad and sister - my contact with them is somewhat limited (maybe that provides an explanation) but we're always pleasant and exchange small gifts on birthdays and Christmas. His Dad and step mum are nice, though his Dad is one of those people that takes what seems like a small life time to explain the simplest of things.

Recently, Adam's step dad was admitted to hospital as the result of a stroke. He lost the ability to walk and, initially, he could not really speak but fortunately, his recovery has been pretty good as of late. I've met the man on a handful of occasions - I do not know too much about the ins and outs of his family but I'm aware that his mum left his dad for another man when the children were young. Adam has been doing his bit and visiting Rob in hospital but unbeknownst to myself, his mum has been quietly fuming over the fact that I apparently have not done enough. She has been somewhat nasty towards Adam over the past few days and now, it transpires, is that it is all because she feels I haven't 'been there' for Rob. No-one has spoken to me about it or asked my opinion until two days ago when Adam's sister sent quite a scathing text message to him outlining how selfish I am.

I won't lie, it both shocked and upset me so much so that I haven't really slept much for a few days. I drafted a long message explaining how I felt about the whole thing and mulled it over for several hours before finally plucking up the courage to send it to his sister. I didn't really expect a reply despite the message being both polite and factual ..... and I was right, still no reply. Katie is a keyboard warrior, quick to shoot her mouth off but never has the courage to address the consequences. I was so angry that a) I was being made out to be a selfish, thoughtless person when clearly I am not and b) that I was being dragged into another family's drama that I do not even see myself as part of. I have my own family to contend with without the petty squabbles of another. To cut a long story short, I've told her to get their mum to speak directly to me if it is affecting her that much instead of making mountains out of mole hills.

What gets to me the most is the fact they know how affected I was by my mum's illness whilst in hospital before she died yet there is no trace of understanding from them whatsoever. It is ridiculous just how much courage and preparation it takes to get me inside a hospital for just ten minutes - I'll never even forgive myself for not managing to visit my own Nan when she had a hip operation a few years ago but my family knew and they understood. I'm pathetic and broken and it frustrates me to the point that you would not even understand, yet that is something I have to deal with and the constant negativity of others just makes it harder. Despite having only met Rob on a handful of occasions, I have shown my full support and I believed that to be enough when it is someone that I do not even really know! Silly me for thinking that I was required to be at everyone's beckon call at all times. If my Dad's girlfriend was suddenly hospitalised, I wouldn't expect Adam to be there every waking minute. I think I need to stop as I'm starting to sound like the thoughtless person they're making me out to be.

We'll see what happens as I refuse to stoop to a childish level over it but if I'm honest, I'd rather stay out of their way as they have a natural poisonous negativity around them at the best of times and I'd rather not be affected by it. I just don't understand how people can be so quick to form conclusions and throw around pointless accusations without stopping to put things into perspective - wouldn't their energy be better channelled into Rob's welfare? I was raised to love everyone until they give you reason not to love them, to attempt to understand others as they're all fighting the same hard battles as yourself and to be attentive to the feelings of others. I guess I've failed on the second one - I really do not understand their views.

In-laws ay? Who'd have them?